I'm so tired right now

I'm so tired.

I know it's the last leg, but can I not be responsible for doing someone else's work just because they're not cooperative?

Maybe completion of a project on time doesn't show that we're good managers. It could very well be where the managers killed themselves just to finish the workon their own.

We're going to be viewed as pushovers, and people are going to question why we're helping one party and not another. I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THE CONTINUATION IF THIS! And it ESPECIALLY DOES NOT HELP if that party is unappreciative of your effort.

And, oh joy, I get to be the one who has to coordinate and take initiative to liaise with each and every party to complete your wishlist. Not everything is as simple as you think. Every minute I spend on this is another minute I have to put off my responsibilities.

It absolutely does not make sense that I'm going home at 8, 9, 10, 11pm to get this done when the onus is on them to do it.

And I know I'm just venting. Things could have been better controlled. Lines could have been more clearly drawn. Plans could have been better thought through.

BUT STILL! GAH!

Hey, what do I know, right?

And no, the irony is not lost on me that I'm wasting precious time posting this when it's time to sleep.

Oh grow up!

I won't pretend that I'm mature. Far from it. I deviate from the norm because I want to be different. I want to be special. I strive to be the best because I'm afraid if I'm not, no one would see me. I avoid social interaction because I'm shy and I tend to stumble upon my words.

Worst of all, I can't let go because I don't like to lose.

Losing. There're always multiple ways to view this word; to use this word. Are you losing out by not being somewhere at a certain time? Are you losing your mind by doing this? Are you wasting your time and focusing on what shouldn't be a priority in your life? Are you losing because you're afraid to win; afraid of the results?

Are you just too afraid to take a chance?

At work, all your correspondences are worded carefully, to avoid offending people who could help you in the future. When with your friends, you let a little too loose and somehow offend people without meaning to. When with your family, you don't spend nearly enough time because you're either with your friends or at work. Or you're at home but in different rooms, doing different things.

Your priorities. Are they correct? Are they correct at this point in time? Sometimes I just feel like going back in time to warn my former self of the stupid things I will do. But guess what? Not all the changes I would like to make benefits anyone else. I'm unabashed though. It's all in my head.

I think I've grown from one year ago. I've seen more of the world than I've ever had. I've accumulated some experience. I learnt some new things.

Have I grown up? Not necessarily.

I still selfishly sleep late and make my mum worry. I still avoid household chores. I still like to make known what I am doing, like staying behind later than necessary just to make sure I send out a two-thirds finished product. Just so that people know I'm there. So that they feel some form of guilt that I'm working this hard.

And guess what? I'm not coping. I'm falling apart. I'm burning out. And I'm really hungry.

I'm too afraid to admit what I need to admit. I avoid thinking of it. And right know, I really don't have a conscious idea of what I'm afraid of admitting. It's almost 3. I have to wake up at 7. There's a presentation today and I'm lacking 2 entirely new slides. I have 1.5 or so hours to get it done in the morning.

I shouldn't have escaped work the past two weekends. Is it my fault I have to work weekends? I don't know. Maybe I'm just unproductive.

I shall go. Escapism is good. Today is not the day to face my demons.

Today is not the day to grow up.

Life is about looking back and laughing at yourself

I leave my old blog posts here so I can laugh at myself; my pettiness, my attention-seekiness, my attempts at being funny/cool, my sadness, my anger, my obsessiveness, my propensity for sentimentalism, my wrong usage of bombastic words.

Please don't laugh at me. I reserve this exclusive right. D=

Then again, it's fortunate to be able to laugh at the old you.

The you who didn't know better. The you who expected the world to revolve around you. The you who cared too much. The you who who succeeded. The you who failed. The you who readily believed in people. The you who threw tantrums when things didn't go your way. The you who didn't DARE to voice out when something was wrong.

How much have you changed? Probably not very much.

But you still laugh. Because life is ever-changing. Because sometimes, life is about taking one step back, to observe and not take charge. See where it'll lead you. You never know where you will find yourself in twenty years.

What's the fun in knowing you walked down a planned path to a destination while hitting every single milestone, anyway? Life doesn't quite go the way you want it to, and it shouldn't. There's always that surprise lurking in the corner. But when it jumps out at us, why don't we try embracing it? It is with this mentality that everything happens because of God's (and whomever you pray to) Will that many religious friends seem content. Why don't my non-religious friends think of it this way, everything happens for a reason, and if it doesn't there's nothing you can do to undo it (unless, of course, you built a time machine).

Live life, and live with the consequences of living.


I went off tangent here.

Burn burn burn

First, there was fried chicken on the bus. Then, there was ismellsomethingburninganditstanktohighheavensanditwokemeupandican'tthinkofanythingelsetoaddnopejustkiddingicangoonforever.

So apparently the commotion right downstairs at the badminton court at 4am was a fire. I should have known, right? Like, there was smoke coming out. Pffft! We ended up just closing the windows and sleeping. Very civic-minded of us. In my defense, I did try calling the security guards. No one picked up though. Meh. What's gonna happen if it's a real emergency?

But it was an exciting night, albeit a probably poisonous one.

Long day of words and more words tomorrow at work. To be realistic, I won't finish my work this week. Hah.

To be completely random, my boss' water bottle has algae. Yikes!

Facebook post

I saw this post on Facebook the other day. My friend who's aspiring to be in the Singapore Police Force detailed how he tried to save a foreign construction worker, and how nobody else offered any help.

Apparently, he checked for his pulse and and tried to shake him awake. With no reply, he called the police and the ambulance while more onlookers gathered, all the while trying to resuscitate him. Ya di dah.

After going home, he posted this status, saying he hoped the victim would be fine. It's all bearable, and I was going to click on the like button to encourage him. That was until his next statement; "Im just doing wat i need to do if im going to join SPF in the future". What, you would have be an onlooker if you weren't aspiring to be in the SPF?

He then had the audacity to stress that "the other ppl didnt help at all -.-" and that "this case really honed my leadership skills". Really? I feel a truckload of disrespect for you right now. You're disrespecting others for not offering to help when you would have been one and the same if you weren't aspiring to be in the Force? How hypocritical can you get?

Maybe you were trying your best to save a fellow human being, out of the kindness of your heart, but to boast about it online, I really feel that you were merely putting on a show for the onlookers and for us to get a good word for yourself.

I crave soup

I'm craving soup, but I shall settle for KitKat instead. My cough tells me no, my ulcer tells me no, but my stomach tells be yes. Having phlegm sucks. I can't even breathe without having the urge to cough.

I spent half the day watching Whose Line. I laughed a lot. 6 episodes of season 1, to be exact. All because I'm getting disgusted at Walt. He turn from badass to just bad. Familiar? It's just like what happened with Gustavo, and guess what? He died. So I don't crave for the next episode of Breaking Bad. It's just like a waiting game now -- who is going to die next?

I just organised a classic rock playlist on Grooveshark. I couldn't find any songs by The Beatles. Copyright, I guess. I guess I like the classic rock songs because it's like a game of identifying a song not from my generation.

Started on my IR essay. I'm really interested in this subject now. It's far more interesting than the rest of the subjects. Haven't touched any work other than IR and ESAP this weekend. Damn this cold. And the weather was bloody warm the past few days, too!

Lumia 920

The Nokia Lumia 920 is coming out! It looks so nice, and less oddly-shaped than my present N8. Actually, it looks a little like my Dad's Sony Xperia 10, hopefully not as wide.

I'm pretty excited about the PureView camera. I hear it's going to be gorgeous. I've been more than satisfied with the N8 12MP camera, but my hand has never been steady. So my photos don't turn out fantastic. Hopefully the OIS in the Lumia is an improved version.

One bad thing with smartphones nowadays: they've drifted away from supporting FM. No receiver/transmitter means no radio on-the-go for me, because I don't have a data plan and I don't plan to sign up for one. One good thing about the Lumia is the free Nokia Music Store streaming. I just hope it's not a 1-year subscription with no way of getting back the music after you change both your computer and your phone (like the case for my Comes With Music 5800).

The weight of the device puts me off, however. My N8 is already heavy at 135g. The Lumia is going to be 185g. That's almost a 40% increase in weight. Well, at least there's a (much) greater increase in the CPU speed and RAM. I suppose the only accurate way to compare this is if you compared it to other popular smartphones in the market.

With all that's said and done, I'm looking forward to getting the Nokia Lumia 920, but it sucks that I can't recontract with Starhub until May 2013. That probably means that I won't be getting the Lumia 920. Did I really wait THAT long after the release date to get the N8? Argh. I don't even remember my N8 being so new. Well, I don't NEED to change my N8. I've just fallen in love (at first sight) with the Lumia 920, that's all.

Would Nokia send me a free Lumia 920 if I promise to provide regular feedback to them? Pretty please?

Breaking Bad

As much as I like Breaking Bad, season three was... quite bad. But I see things picking up in season four! Hooray! Now, to... stop... urge... to watch... MOAR!

On to business:

It's Monday tomorrow, which means one thing... S-K-O-O-L. One good thing is that we have Friday off. It's International Relations (IR), which means less stress for the week, but somehow it means it's less interesting too. I'm really a noob at this IR thing. Gotta catch up soon! Read, read, and read. *sighs* And what's worse is that you have to take what you read with a pinch of salt. Just like what we did in PW in J1. Except this time, I don't really have the knowledge in the current affairs to really judge how good/terrible each article is in terms of its credibility. Reading user comments is SUCH A CHORE because some of them are REALLY biased. Like Puppet Walter says, "pisses me off".

Actually, I'm pretty satisfied with the subjects I've chosen this year. The non-compulsory ones are pretty interesting, even though I will probably have a hell of a time during exams, trying to recall and write. Hopefully, I can relate the rest of the equations in Valuation and Securities Analysis (VSA) to logic. Just had a breakthrough on Free Cash Flow yesterday. I UNDERSTAND! Whoot~!


ESAPsychology and Financial Intermediation (FI) are pretty boring sometimes, but when you focus, the content in ESAP is really quite interesting. I'm learning about things like Responsibility Diffusion, etc. And, boy, are they true or what! Too bad I couldn't get into FASS that time. Then again, I'm not interested in Bio. Haha, you can't get the best of both worlds.

Oh, and looky here, apparently, "Intermediation" isn't recognised as a word ("recognised", too). Meh.

I've got to stop writing/typing "convoluted sentences" and shift to concise ones. Maybe I've got a thing for commas. I don't know. Oh, look! I'm cured!

[Late] Junk Mail

Received an email from my dad. I almost freaked it. Turns out it was junk mail. Haha...

[Late] It's just a dream, it's just a dream

Try a situation when someone in the room says, 'There's a dead person in this room' and you are wondering who he/she is. You realise that you are listening to a lady standing at the front of the room. The lady is holding a relatively thick book (no prize for correctly guessing what the book is) and leaves an impression that she is representing a religious body.

She says that today, they were changing the contents of the book she was holding. People are all gathered inside the room listening to her. She goes on to say that this would thus be a day where strange things happen, which is partly why there is a dead person among the group. The lady warns everyone about the foreboding disaster and tells them to evacuate the room to safety.

Somehow, everyone in there (including you) understands that the dead person would not be able to move far from the room, to safety. Everyone stands up and files for the exit after grabbing their bags by the left front corner of the room. You join them and are now carrying bags of things in your hands, like many others.

Everyone is trudging on in something that isn't easy to walk on, but they are still moving forward, away from the presumed danger. You try moving with them, but fail. You can't seem to move your left leg, however hard you try. You think that it's probably an obstacle that everyone just seemed to be facing and conquering more easily than you. You try harder and harder, but your left leg hurts and seems to be caught in a trap of some sort, but you don't see a trap.

A person overtaking you simply says "I know who the dead person is."

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

I was surfing through Youtube, looking at classic songs. So I chanced upon American Pie. So nostalgic. So I searched for it on Grooveshark and started playing it, out of all the other songs I've added. The song lasts for 8 minutes and 34 seconds. Oh, My, Gosh. I was still wondering why the song was still playing after so long. This is so amazing.

It's another feel good song (I haven't really listened to the lyrics, don't judge me!) As far as the lyrics go, only 2 lines stuck: 1. Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. 2. This will be the day that I die. But that is really enough to remember the song by.

Actually the old songs craze stemmed from finding David Armand's dance interpretation of Don't Stop Me Now (THAT's definitely a feel good song), and it sort of went on from there.

I love feel good songs!

All the single ladies~

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. woh-oh-oh, oh oh oh oh, oh-oh, oh oh oh


yeeeeaap, so distressing.


ravend you're probably gonna be forever alone. so I'll say: asterisk this shit, I'm gonna continue being a nerd and study. maybe someday, someone will ask for me. xD

BSOD -- I'm getting used to this sh*t

My PC is undergoing a system restore now. Thankfully there was a restore point before the bloody BSOD appeared for the first time on the Studio. I can just hope that the Windows Update on that day wasn't what caused the malfunction.



I was searching for answers after I managed to catch a glimpse of the error on the BSOD: driver_IRQL_not_less_or_equal. An initial search on google/yahoo tells me that the RAM is probably the problem. Now, two days later, the search tells me that it's probably a driver. Given that I do not know the difference between a RAM and a driver and any other computer parts, I shall not comment about this.



So after some searching, some (un)diagnostic tests, some (stupid) dialling Dell support on a weekend, and some hair-tearing at the series of BSODs, I have decided to take matters into my own hands -- fiddling around without the help of the Internet.



The results? Having no internet connection, changing the taskbar into the classic look with no knowledge of how to turn it back, and ending up with the Last Known Good Configuration being what I'd just described. That was certainly a case of "too little, too late". So this leads me to the system restore that hopefully solves the problem. Otherwise I'm going to have to rant to Dell tomorrow.



It's almost the end of my 2-year warranty... 11 days left, to be exact. And then the new year's warranty will begin. Ha ha. The importance of a Dell warranty will not be lost on me.

Rest in peace

I remember when you held onto my hand. You looked at me and smiled. You comforted me, you told me everything was going to be alright. That time, you were the one laying on the hospital bed.



On the last day, I held onto your hand. I wasn't ready to let go. You couldn't comfort me anymore. I could only hope that everything would be alright for you. That time, you had been lying on the bed at home, having lost your mobility. I hoped that you could hear my silent consolations for you.



Now, as you reside in heaven, I hope that you think of me as I think of you. You will always be the greatest man in my eyes. Even though it is now too late to apologise, I hope that you know that deep down, I love you and always will.



Rest in peace.

Actions speak louder than words. Let's play. We're going to have soooo... much fun in the future!

To the people who try so hard to forget, and then set yourself back just because you're curious about how what-you're-supposed-to-be-forgetting is doing?
Suck it up! Curiosity killed the cat, so be thankful that you're still alive!

Then you start thinking whether the something is still alive.
Well stop it! You know he/she/it probably is. It's not like you haven't tried to find out before this!

And you think to yourself: I shouldn't be reacting to this piece of old news, I've already seen this before!
Well, damn right, you have!

But that doesn't make it any less painful!
I'll show you what painful is if you don't let go.

You're right. I could care less if he/she/it disappeared off the face of the earth right now!
No. That would just make you inhuman.


You might never forget the people who have made an impact in your life. And it's alright. Just remember that the people who are still in it should hold more weight in your heart. Much, much more.

Disgusted

I'm so disgusted with two maplers today. Granted I shouldn't even be mapling at my age, that doesn't give anyone the excuse to mock me, much less on maple itself! What happened was (and forever will be) so ridiculous, you might be point and laugh. Beware!

I was training at a crowded map (meaning most channels had people there). Mind you, I've been there for around an hour now and my blue pot count has increased by at least 200 by then, from the drops by the monsters. As I'm a Fire, Poison Arch Mage (cue: applause, feelings of disgust, indifference), I have skills such as Big Bang, Paralyze, Teleport Mastery, Explosion, and Poison Mist (among others). As many FP Arch Mages know, at some point in time, we undergo something called poison training (or Misting) that enables us to train at something close to light speed. It is also a dreary routine unless one was training at sharks which could kill your character that much easier. After training for around 40 levels by Misting, the FP Arch Mage is can finally sigh in relief because we now have 4th job skills which make training so much less dull. Now I can train on Dual Ghost Pirates with either Big Bang (fire element) or Paralyze (poison element). A day ago, I realised I could use 1 Big Bang and 1 Tele Mastery to effectively kill off un-poisoned mobs. That's when I started this less dull way of training. And I can finally see monsters die because of my firepower (for lack of a better word), and not because of damage over time from the poison.

Today, it turns out that channel 1 was free (yes, I do check from top to bottom whether anyone was there before I deem it my territory for that session). Hence, I was happily training in this map again (need I remind you, for about an hour now). One of my closer buddies was online and I was having the time of my life chatting with her while taking my time with the mobs, getting an okay amount of exp. And this way of training (Big Bang + Tele Mastery) allowed me to collect most of the drops (Misting is a little too hectic). I guess this made my map a little too clean (sort of like a tidy and un-personalised house, huh). Anyway, as I teleported up the map via the in-map teleporter, I saw a Wild Hunter enter the map. I believe he asked me if I wanted to train together. I said "I don't think this map can".

With that he just started attacking the monsters as if I weren't there. I tried to go on with my relaxed pace, but I'm sorry to say that he did not have the sense to change channel. I had to defend my map, and my pride. Hence I made my way down the map, poisoning every platform. And I found another Wild Hunter further down the map. Now, many of you probably know that it's not easy (to put it lightly) to trump over Poison Mist in a map with more monsters than you can kill with two hits. That particular map easily has nine times as many monsters as you can kill per hit. Mist can concurrently act on all of them at the same time. Back to topic. I knew I had the upper hand in a KS war, that is, if they don't decide to call for back up for a prolonged KS war (I'm not staying in that map for THAT long, my inventory WAS getting full, you know). The exp coming in further testified to the theory).

After a while (I would say it had been 2 to 3 minutes), they got fed up and started scolding me "dog" (what is with that?!), claiming they'd been there first. That there wasn't any Poison animation when they first came in. Smart asses. Was I supposed to see arrows lying around when they're in the map?


In the end I decided that I still wanted to survive in that world. I didn't get my character to level 12x to quit because of (possible) future harassment from their friends or suffer a mass defame. So I decided to be the bigger person and be the gentleman (when I'm obviously a girl), to change to another channel.

However, it is not beneath me to rant about the injustice I'd been through.

Oh I did find another channel that was free (channel 5) afterwards. That is makes this so much more ridiculous because there were other free maps. I got tired of training after around 20min (not to mention the fact that I was pissed off). So I messaged one of them telling them my map was free and they wouldn't even find poison in the map because I don't train with poison, unlike 3rd job Fire Poison Mages =)

I'd think I wouldn't be so bold to make a false claim all over the internet. Especially if it's so easy to just have the admins check back on the server. Everything I said is true to the best of my knowledge. Screenshots were taken of the dialogue (on someone else's channel, channel 2), not the action (I'm not THAT fast).

I'm glad I got this out of my system. Now, maybe I can finally get some sleep!

sore losers

RANT ALERT!!!!!

Wow, some people are so hard-pressed to win. I was in a room with 3 people from the same FAM. Once i finished my first chain, guy1 told someone to press f11. Up came a series of rings accompanying room megas that went something like "df" "sdf" "sd"... You get the idea... It went on for around 5 moves and the dj (guy2) chained to x5 and overtook my lead position. At least i still managed go x1 throughout that disturbance. You can be very sure i was seriously pissed off. girl1 said something like she was the one who did that.

Halfway through the game, guy2 asked guy1 to "come up" (i was in 2nd place and guy2 was in 3rd). Great. So he managed to chase up to first. By some miracle, i think he missed some major move. Hah!

By the last 10 moves, i managed to chase up to the first position. Then dropped because guy1 managed to red-face me (and i cooled too). Then at the last move, i got my first again because justice always prevails and his red-face didn't register or something. I got a great and guy2 got a cool. Hah!

So girl1 said go "Beat Up, i can help you win"

Huh... What cheaters and sore losers. So what if your level is high. Someone who is more pro than you and lower level than you deserves to win you.

Ever had such a good dream that you didn't want to wake up? I have, today. =D And it was just a dream, just a moment ago... I was up so high, looking down at the sky, don't let me fall~

i am psyched to solve problems today. it's what i'm made to do