Sometimes I just feel so down that I can't even blog on my Space. I feel downright emotionless right now. I don't feel.

I guess I don't want to attract attention. Check that, I don't want the people who care about me to know about what's going on. I'm quirky that way. It's often easier to talk to acquaintances about personal problems, I feel. That way, you're not burdening someone you care about? Maybe. I don't know. I can't tell my Mum anything, much less my Dad. I blame it on the generation gap. Sometimes I wish I have an older brother. I've always been envious of my girl friends who have older brothers. I know, being not envious of other people but be satisfied with yourself. But one can't help but be curious what it would be like... to feel protected, to feel like someone is standing guard for you.

I have no idea why I attract younger god-brothers in game. Maybe I'm too naggy, because I don't think I'm caring. I've never been brought up to be caring. I'm bad around children. I can't treat them like they are less than what I am. I can't not talk to them normally and show them respect. Well that's singing my own praises. But that's what comes to mind when I have to communicate with them. I'm just scared of communicating with them. Oh I really want a cat. I just want a hug.

I've just written down everything I remember about a past encounter into my long-forgotten diary (if I can still call it that). So now, I have no need to store it in my brain. Bad things are meant to be forgotten, because it hurts. Hurt makes us stronger. But constant hurt wears us down. So, bad things won't be forgotten. But that doesn't mean it they should stay etched in our memory forever. I say they're just a waste of space. I read through the entries in my diary. Most were about my primary school life. They reminded me of some things that I wasn't consciously aware of happened throughout these few years. I looked back at it in amusement, and some sort of realisation, like my vision has been cleared up. I asked myself questions in the past, like 'Who was lying?'. I found that I saw things from an outsider's point of vies. I could answer them now. Maybe a few years down the road, I'll look back at this saga in amusement.

As I've said, sadness shouldn't be contained. Writing it down helps. Doesn't matter if you were to tear it up or to burn it down. At least, you would have taken a step to getting it out of your mind. Cleansing it. Transferring the burden to something real, something tangible. You know it has happened, you can't really go back in time and change things (but if you do, bring me). Yes, we have the desire to change things, do things differently. People say "Never regret". The truth is, you will regret at some point in time. The trick is not think that something is not regretful. Everything has its plus side. That's what someone said to me yesterday.

I've come to terms. I'm moving on. I'd like to think that. But the truth is, I'll need someone to care. Not to care for, no.

Moving on seems like it could be such a great feeling. I can't feel it, yet. I'm going to have to depend on my friends, I guess. We are lucky to have friends, we are. I found a long-lost friend recently. She made the game so much more fun. I'm waiting for some people to come back to me.

Who am I kidding? I still would like to make the people who hurt me pay. But I guess I should just let nature take its course. A watched pot never boils. I'm verging on psychotic, I believe. Well, a little hate is healthy. At least I don't go around ruining other people's lives for not apparent reason.

Cheers