I won't pretend that I'm mature. Far from it. I deviate from the norm because I want to be different. I want to be special. I strive to be the best because I'm afraid if I'm not, no one would see me. I avoid social interaction because I'm shy and I tend to stumble upon my words.
Worst of all, I can't let go because I don't like to lose.
Losing. There're always multiple ways to view this word; to use this word. Are you losing out by not being somewhere at a certain time? Are you losing your mind by doing this? Are you wasting your time and focusing on what shouldn't be a priority in your life? Are you losing because you're afraid to win; afraid of the results?
Are you just too afraid to take a chance?
At work, all your correspondences are worded carefully, to avoid offending people who could help you in the future. When with your friends, you let a little too loose and somehow offend people without meaning to. When with your family, you don't spend nearly enough time because you're either with your friends or at work. Or you're at home but in different rooms, doing different things.
Your priorities. Are they correct? Are they correct at this point in time? Sometimes I just feel like going back in time to warn my former self of the stupid things I will do. But guess what? Not all the changes I would like to make benefits anyone else. I'm unabashed though. It's all in my head.
I think I've grown from one year ago. I've seen more of the world than I've ever had. I've accumulated some experience. I learnt some new things.
Have I grown up? Not necessarily.
I still selfishly sleep late and make my mum worry. I still avoid household chores. I still like to make known what I am doing, like staying behind later than necessary just to make sure I send out a two-thirds finished product. Just so that people know I'm there. So that they feel some form of guilt that I'm working this hard.
And guess what? I'm not coping. I'm falling apart. I'm burning out. And I'm really hungry.
I'm too afraid to admit what I need to admit. I avoid thinking of it. And right know, I really don't have a conscious idea of what I'm afraid of admitting. It's almost 3. I have to wake up at 7. There's a presentation today and I'm lacking 2 entirely new slides. I have 1.5 or so hours to get it done in the morning.
I shouldn't have escaped work the past two weekends. Is it my fault I have to work weekends? I don't know. Maybe I'm just unproductive.
I shall go. Escapism is good. Today is not the day to face my demons.
Today is not the day to grow up.
